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This edition
32 ranked · 8 tiers
01
The Dark Knights
4 teamsThe Dark Knights — S-Tier. Oscar worthy. You already know the film is legit before the opening scene. This is the standard. The expectation is late January, minimum. Beating bad teams means nothing. Style points barely matter. You’re judged on whether you’re still alive when everyone else is packing up their lockers.
#1
▲2
Kansas City Chiefs
Kansas City Chiefs
#2
▼1
Philadelphia Eagles
Philadelphia Eagles
#3
▲1
Los Angeles Rams
Los Angeles Rams
#4
▲1
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
02
MCU
5 teamsMCU — The franchise run. Big box office, proven formula, and you assume a playoff arc every year. It’s not flawless, and lately you see cracks, but the ceiling is still “we’re in the big game and no one is surprised.”
#5
▲1
Detroit Lions
Detroit Lions
#6
▼4
Buffalo Bills
Buffalo Bills
#7
=
Green Bay Packers
Green Bay Packers
#8
=
Indianapolis Colts
Indianapolis Colts
#9
▲2
Denver Broncos
Denver Broncos
03
World War Z
3 teamsWorld War Z — Surprisingly good, crazy pace, chaos energy. You tune in because there’s always a moment where everything breaks loose and you’re like “okay WAIT this might actually work.” They’re dangerous, but you’re not fully convinced they can hang with the true heavyweights for four straight quarters in playoff-level football.
#10
▲5
New England Patriots
New England Patriots
#11
▼2
Los Angeles Chargers
Los Angeles Chargers
#12
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Seattle Seahawks
Seattle Seahawks
04
The Matrix
8 teamsThe Matrix — The first movie? Phenomenal. You buy all the stock. The sequels? They test your faith. These are teams people badly want to believe in. You’ve seen flashes of something special, and you hang onto those flashes even while the cracks keep showing up every week. Hope is the brand.
#13
▼3
Pittsburgh Steelers
Pittsburgh Steelers
#14
▲8
Cincinnati Bengals
Cincinnati Bengals
#15
▼1
Atlanta Falcons
Atlanta Falcons
#16
=
Washington Commanders
Washington Commanders
#17
▼4
Jacksonville Jaguars
Jacksonville Jaguars
#18
=
Dallas Cowboys
Dallas Cowboys
#19
=
Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore Ravens
#20
=
Houston Texans
Houston Texans
05
X-Men
5 teamsX-Men — The 50/50 club. You’ll get a couple absolute classics, then you’ll get something that makes you question your life choices. These teams are talented enough to pop, sloppy enough to implode, and volatile enough that nobody trusts them in a must-have game.
#21
▲2
San Francisco 49ers
San Francisco 49ers
#22
▼1
Minnesota Vikings
Minnesota Vikings
#23
▼6
Cleveland Browns
Cleveland Browns
#24
▲1
Chicago Bears
Chicago Bears
#25
▲2
Miami Dolphins
Miami Dolphins
06
White Chicks
4 teamsWhite Chicks — We all loved it even though we know it’s bad. These are the teams you throw on anyway. You laugh, you quote lines, you know deep down this is not championship cinema. But you’ll absolutely defend it in public because at some point it made you happy.
#26
▲2
New York Giants
New York Giants
#27
▲3
Carolina Panthers
Carolina Panthers
#28
▼4
Las Vegas Raiders
Las Vegas Raiders
#29
▼3
Arizona Cardinals
Arizona Cardinals
07
Rubber
2 teamsRubber — One of the worst movies ever. You’re mostly watching out of disbelief. You’re not sure how we got here, who approved this script, or how this is still being funded. This is past “bad.” This is surreal. This is performance art about suffering.
#30
▲1
New Orleans Saints
New Orleans Saints
#31
▼2
New York Jets
New York Jets
08
Gouge Your Eyes Out
1 teamGouge Your Eyes Out — This isn’t football. This is televised stress testing. It actively makes you worse for having watched it. You don’t root for improvement, you root for mercy. This tier exists because the normal “they’re bad” language stopped being fair to everyone else.
#32
=
Tennessee Titans
Tennessee Titans
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